It was a Monday Morning, two weeks past my aunt’s death and I had almost recovered. The usual, getting dressed, rushing to college, the same routine of not expecting anything happy and the usual cranked out family members. But just then, when everything is going as expected in my unexpected life, you appear, not like some angel that many fantasize about, but just plainly, a little message on my phone with a greater message in my heart. The stupid feeling of butterflies in your stomach, well, no, that wasn’t my experience. It was more like how I felt after I saw my aunt’s corpse just before her funeral. My heart was heavy, not with sorrow, but with a mind-boggling gratitude.
Was this how it was supposed to be? Yet another unexpected episode that would make me feel this way after three years, that spine-tingling event of just having those three words typed. It was that moment that not only awakened me to reality but also made me recognize the filthy pile of hair at the corner of my classroom, the undusted teacher’s table and also the revolting smell of sweat and my deodorant that blended and varied in the suppressed room that had no windows. Where I was stereotypically made to think of how such events were ‘supposed’ to be, it was the exact opposite. Where, a month ago, I was pruning myself from these stupid love songs and those idiots who were in love, but yesterday, I was in the same pit of love that everyone was talking about. No, it wasn’t as I assumed it to be, dark, blinding, illusionary, and also hurtful to an extent. It was the rather repugnant for me. It woke me from my little bubble of dissatisfaction and aloofness. I felt more ghostly and curious than ever. It’s as if I was hit by a bicycle coming in the wrong direction on a one-way road. That moment made me scrutinize every little thing around me, like Mr. Spiderman felt when that colorful spider stung him. But, wasn’t I ‘supposed’ to be happy? Wasn’t I supposed to be ‘filled’ with joy? This was rather ridiculous.
My phone rang, and I couldn’t help but answer it because I wanted to talk to him. I was aghast, my hands went cold and sweaty, and my mind went muffled. We spoke for an hour, forgetting every word we spoke in the past second, having an unnecessarily pointless conversation. It wasn’t long until we spoke our minds out. Not directly of course, but beating around the bush until the money on his phone disappeared and eventually getting disconnected. For a while, I had butterflies for him in my sewed heart but I never let it show on my emotionless face. I didn’t just love him, but that suspenseful feeling was greater.
My primary mission was to skim him from the misconceptions that other human beings had about him. “People are shallow because they evaluate others merely on their surfaced appearance”, I said. But, that moment did it all for me. Those three words, said it all for me that didn’t make my life uncomplicated, but made it rather troublesome. It was then that I woke up to your absence. I wasn’t oppressed by those silly emotions that always told me you were never going to hold my hand, but I was exhausted with the thoughts that struck me in my heart saying, “How is this going to work?” however, why wouldn’t I date a guy who writes poems, who wants to be a writer too, who is a partial feminist as well, and moreover, who’s the most supportive when it comes to me. The ultimate question still remained, why wouldn’t I? 20 years of my life has made me emotionless, inexpressive and insensitive to almost everything that surrounds me, but eventually, Homo sapiens are designed to sense, reason and think about their respective property.
Yes, those three words are all that took us from one corner of our restricted mind to the other, without hesitation, without logic and moreover, without muting ourselves. Love sure does hurt only if you want it to hurt, and love does conquer only if you want it to conquer. So, love maybe a bitch to you, only probably because you’re a bitch to it. But what is love really? It’s just an emotion expressed in a million of ways possible by a million animate objects in the universe. For me, “Love is just something that is cherished between two individuals”. Those three words can be the strongest, yet also the weakest. But, who deduces or arbitrates it? It’s no one else but you and me.
Dear lover, the love that we share is much different from just appreciation, respect, admiration, passion and attachment, it’s far more than everything put together. It’s not blinded or deafening, it’s neither inarticulate nor crass. It’s rather awakening and prorogating. It’s silly of me to ask you not to depart because our destinies have always unscripted our lives and life has been however, unanticipated. So, dear lover, I yearn for your presence in my life until I have wrinkles on my face and crooked feet, but I desire to be unallied and unfamiliar with the process of mending my torn heart again.
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