Thank you for Leaving

“Be my wife”, you said and that’s how we sparked our relationship of bare disarray and bafflement. But, who knew your enamored arms would turn into absolute pungent and gnawing ones. As I died every second under your smothering judiciousness, I came out powerful, reinforced and impregnable, invulnerable to any more of your obscenity and your capability of feigning me. But, with all the excoriation you caused, both on my mind and body, I became puissant and regnant as ever before. My tears had dried when I decided to leave because I couldn’t take anymore of your whipping as you had scraped enough of me. I didn’t cry for you because I had cried enough, enough to let go of you forever. Who justifies physical abuse? Who abuses your parents and then cries to your friends in helplessness? It’s almost as if you were mentally ill and having blamed me for everything that went wrong.

They say “Respect is earned and not demanded”, but what about the respect I gave you when you left me bruised on the road, lost, powerless and incapacitated? Where did your ideologies go when I begged your feet in front of strangers, weeping dolorously, trying my best for you to stay back in my life? And yet you have no reason for any of your actions. No apologies, no justification, no benevolence. What did you receive after damaging me so much, freedom or sweet revenge? What part couldn’t you understand that I needed time and that I needed to make sure you’re the one? Yet, I failed and so did you. When I wrote you that letter, it was from my heart, not from my head. I didn’t get carried away by my emotions, but I was carrying them along till the time I wrote “Yours”. You kept abusing me even when I poured out every memory of you from my heart while writing that letter. So, who are you or who were you really?

With the bleeding of my heart as you cut me open, you still wanted me to love you, cry for you and still listen to your ridiculous ranting about your pathetic little emotions. And then you said, “At least I am more human than you, Sonia”. It’s absolutely hilarious how I was in the bubble of misconception that I was in love with a boy, sadly, I wasn’t. I was in love with a little white girl who just had a dick about the size of an electric switch that turned on almost every time I asked for more time. Yet, I still fail to understand what went wrong and how we got here but I’m done apologizing and feeling sorry for myself.

When you asked me how jealous I am of you and your parents, I refused to answer because I was so insecure. But, here’s your answer now. I WAS envious because you have both your parents who give you everything of a pitiful little silver platter. Your parents have given up on their son because he hasn’t done anything in his life and probably never will either. So, I was a klutz when I was envious of both of your parents who pampered you so much that you loved being jobless, uneducated and just home. Time has passed so quickly and moments have been more revealing that I’ve never noticed but thank you for getting out of my life and leaving me liberated, unchained and disencumbered.

Thank you for letting go so I could progress and ratchet up, not only with my line of work but also with my acquaintanceship with someone who respects my work. Don’t worry you’re not being replaced but only being thrown away from the very realms of my soul where you were once too attached. Remember when you said that I will find someone who is much better and for the very fact that you don’t deserve me, I was a dunce to figure out that you were actually spitting out the truth. You never really did deserve me because you never really accepted me for what I was. I changed for you and all you ever did was crib about your pathetic little lowly life.

Thank you for letting go so I could raise my head higher and construe that only I am responsible for my happiness. Thank you for leaving me stronger, alone and more relieved and a lot happier than I could ever be without you. Thank you for letting me know that there are lowlifes like yourself that still exist even today. Thank you for leaving so I could find someone who deserves so much more of my respect than you could ever imagine. Thank you for not loving me enough so someone else could come and do a fantastic job at mending me. Thank you for letting me go so I could be on my way into falling in love with someone who seems perfect and is not a two-faced moody bitch like yourself. Thank you for leaving so I could finally be who I am and have someone appreciate me for the very first time in my life.

Yours. Forever.

All these four months have been so beautiful with you, but the time has finally come when we part our respective ways. It is not my ego or my twin self, but my guilt that's holding me back from putting in efforts to make this relationship work anymore. I have not been dedicated to you as you have been to me. I have ruined this for us, which by fact allows me to bear with this strange phase of our relationship. I am no one, my love. Look around you, there are so many beautiful women, yes women (unlike girls like myself). Women who dress and look so much more prettier than me, babe. Women who would retaliate to you, with the same passion as you do and I'm sure you'll be with your One soon.

Those times when we said we should be settled financially so we could convince our parents easily, I think that time has come where we concentrate on our careers more babe. There have been times where we laughed, cried, yelled at each other and just silenced, but Amatya, we've grown out to be such strong human beings out of it all. I have never changed so much in a relationship and have never had anyone reciprocated as much love to me, as you did. I love you so much that I have no choice but to let go and give up on us as there is nothing but negativity left. I'm just another ordinary girl who fell in love with a beautifully cherished and valued boy. 

Today we are living on our parents' money. When tomorrow we will stand on our own feet, independent, making our parents proud, being proud of ourselves, we won't forget our past, we'll perhaps look forward to a better tomorrow and things would only outmatch our past experiences. Amatya, you have been the perfect partner that anyone could ask for and I have taken you for granted, without realizing we would lose each other someday. You deserve better and you know it. Holding on to you for my selfish motive is not justified. Honey, you are depth and I am just the surface wind who is unstable, unlike you.They say love is about thinking about how beautiful you are while doing the simplest things, talking about everything with you, accepting differences, sacrificing for you, helping unload the weights off of your lover and strength. Love is loving you no matter how you change, learning to love what you love, appreciation, taking care of you when you're sick and lastly they said, when your lover's happiness comes first. But haven't we passed through all of it? We've tried and tried so hard but we can never work. We are from two different worlds, so apart that we can never converge but only run parallel to each other. I have loved you more than anyone and I will continue to love you the same irrespective of anything, Amatya.

One day when we are over each other's hatred, love, anger and sorrows, we will realize that we were just children, seeking, rather desperate for company, for a partner. We have a long way to go and many more obstacles to pass babe, this is just one of them and it will pass, eventually. We want to be someone in our lives and we should, in fact, we will, but for that we need to remove the unwanted distractions in our lives, right? I've cried so much while writing this, that my heart is soaked in the sorrow of letting you go. It's soaked because I am becoming someone who I don't want to and you are not yourself anymore babe. That's why it's better that we decided to part our ways and make our lives the way we want it to be. But, I'd only like to tell you something that I am very firm on, I wanted to marry someone Amatya and it was you, but today and tomorrow, it will never be anyone else taking that sacred place in my heart and my life.

Hope you understand and do well in life. I can't promise to do fine without you but I do promise never to become what you don't want me to be. Please take care of yourself. Give up on me and our memories. Have a happy journey ahead. I love you so much Amatya.

Bye

Yours.

I am NOT the Subaltern Anymore

I’m only 21 and I choose to be who I am, not because my past experiences have led me here or probably because I am outspoken with a dirty mouth. I’m only 21 and I regret being a woman only because I don’t feel safe in my own city, certainly not because I menstruate. So what if I’m a short girl and don’t look my age? So what if I’m not curvy or thin like the bimbos? So what if I’m not fair like those idiots who wish to have luminous skin? I’m probably not the conventional girl, but I’m still emotional and affected. Just because I don’t like crying, doesn’t mean I’m good at suppressing my emotions. I will not be the subaltern anymore because I live in a country where cows are worshipped on one hand and raped on the other, where men demand not to be generalized as pathologically sexual animals on one hand and still continue to scan every woman on the other. People still refer to this country as ‘Incredible India’, but what really is ‘incredible’? The fact that India is now known by the number of rapes occurring, why do people still choose to love this country? Where today, standing up for who you are is merely a reason for people to just laugh and mock at you. So, who are we really? Where 25 kilometers away from the city, women are pressurizing their breadth to keep the fire burning in order to feed their children in villages, yet on the other, the rich ones are enjoying endless barbeque buffets.

What have we come to, where Mr. Modi’s cabinet members speak of ‘Swacch Bharat’, while the same people pass ridiculously contaminating comments on women and other issues of the society. Where, feminism has just become a mere word that people debate on, and the lives of many women are just numbers today. I will not be the subaltern anymore because I will speak up for every woman today. What rituals are we following and what traditions are we talking about? Why are you fasting for your husband’s long life? Why are you wearing that so-called sexy dress? The whole concept of patriarchy is just a mere illusion, looking forward to transform men into stronger chauvinists and women into weaker utensils. Who is the man you are married to, really? Who are the people you are surrounded by? Aren’t they all vessels of patriarchy, crumbling you bit by bit into the pit of suppression and silence? What is this tradition of silence that one speaks of? Your boyfriend doesn’t hit you out of love. It is his mere fragile male ego that he refuses to break solely because his parents have pampered his penis.

I’m only 21 and I’m not ready for marriage. I have a career to make and I’m sure you do too. Serials like ‘Manmarziyan’ could probably talk about how a girl should be independent before her dependence is transferred from her father to her husband, but it’s senseless. Do you see the protagonist as yourself? Does she reflect you in any way? What is this really? Where men always become defensive when asked about why they stare at women, and then you also have women who pester you to behave in a certain manner. No, I’m not going to join my thighs and sit, I’m not going to wear a Sari and I’m certainly not going to close my mouth and laugh silently. I will laugh like a maniac and eat like the clumsiest person. Why is a woman stared at and commented on when she smokes or when she dresses up the way she wants to. Who said, yellow skirt and pink shoes don’t match? Where do these labels originate from? What are the zero size figures? Disintegrating and decaying your suppressed thoughts in time are the only things that lead a girl to become a patriarchal woman. Feminism is war, it’s fighting for a woman’s rights, be it legally or illegally, or for that matter, it doesn’t really concern the Indian Government anyway. If you are a celebrity and you kill someone, you’re destined to go back home and sleep on your comfortable bed. That’s precisely how our government functions.

I am not a subaltern anymore because I will stand for what is right and rebel against the wrong. I am intolerant to your bullshit but empathetic to the needful. I am disinterested in being labeled because only the cowards label people. I am not a subaltern only because I am a woman in a patriarchal society. No matter how many arguments support men victimized under the same crimes as women, it will never be enough. A woman undergoes much more than any man, her daily life. There’s no request for respect today, and the demands for regard have already been unnecessarily sky high. Women don’t wish to be treated as queens and neither sexual objects. They demand to be perceived as individuals, just like any man in this ridiculous country. So, calling out to all the women out there, we are not going to be subalterns. We are human beings and we demand to be treated humanely. 

Am I Supposed to be "In Love" to Love You?

It was a Monday Morning, two weeks past my aunt’s death and I had almost recovered. The usual, getting dressed, rushing to college, the same routine of not expecting anything happy and the usual cranked out family members. But just then, when everything is going as expected in my unexpected life, you appear, not like some angel that many fantasize about, but just plainly, a little message on my phone with a greater message in my heart. The stupid feeling of butterflies in your stomach, well, no, that wasn’t my experience. It was more like how I felt after I saw my aunt’s corpse just before her funeral. My heart was heavy, not with sorrow, but with a mind-boggling gratitude.

Was this how it was supposed to be? Yet another unexpected episode that would make me feel this way after three years, that spine-tingling event of just having those three words typed. It was that moment that not only awakened me to reality but also made me recognize the filthy pile of hair at the corner of my classroom, the undusted teacher’s table and also the revolting smell of sweat and my deodorant that blended and varied in the suppressed room that had no windows. Where I was stereotypically made to think of how such events were ‘supposed’ to be, it was the exact opposite. Where, a month ago, I was pruning myself from these stupid love songs and those idiots who were in love, but yesterday, I was in the same pit of love that everyone was talking about. No, it wasn’t as I assumed it to be, dark, blinding, illusionary, and also hurtful to an extent. It was the rather repugnant for me. It woke me from my little bubble of dissatisfaction and aloofness. I felt more ghostly and curious than ever. It’s as if I was hit by a bicycle coming in the wrong direction on a one-way road. That moment made me scrutinize every little thing around me, like Mr. Spiderman felt when that colorful spider stung him. But, wasn’t I ‘supposed’ to be happy? Wasn’t I supposed to be ‘filled’ with joy? This was rather ridiculous.

My phone rang, and I couldn’t help but answer it because I wanted to talk to him. I was aghast, my hands went cold and sweaty, and my mind went muffled. We spoke for an hour, forgetting every word we spoke in the past second, having an unnecessarily pointless conversation. It wasn’t long until we spoke our minds out. Not directly of course, but beating around the bush until the money on his phone disappeared and eventually getting disconnected. For a while, I had butterflies for him in my sewed heart but I never let it show on my emotionless face. I didn’t just love him, but that suspenseful feeling was greater.

My primary mission was to skim him from the misconceptions that other human beings had about him. “People are shallow because they evaluate others merely on their surfaced appearance”, I said. But, that moment did it all for me. Those three words, said it all for me that didn’t make my life uncomplicated, but made it rather troublesome. It was then that I woke up to your absence. I wasn’t oppressed by those silly emotions that always told me you were never going to hold my hand, but I was exhausted with the thoughts that struck me in my heart saying, “How is this going to work?” however, why wouldn’t I date a guy who writes poems, who wants to be a writer too, who is a partial feminist as well, and moreover, who’s the most supportive when it comes to me. The ultimate question still remained, why wouldn’t I? 20 years of my life has made me emotionless, inexpressive and insensitive to almost everything that surrounds me, but eventually, Homo sapiens are designed to sense, reason and think about their respective property.

Yes, those three words are all that took us from one corner of our restricted mind to the other, without hesitation, without logic and moreover, without muting ourselves. Love sure does hurt only if you want it to hurt, and love does conquer only if you want it to conquer. So, love maybe a bitch to you, only probably because you’re a bitch to it. But what is love really? It’s just an emotion expressed in a million of ways possible by a million animate objects in the universe. For me, “Love is just something that is cherished between two individuals”. Those three words can be the strongest, yet also the weakest. But, who deduces or arbitrates it? It’s no one else but you and me.

Dear lover, the love that we share is much different from just appreciation, respect, admiration, passion and attachment, it’s far more than everything put together. It’s not blinded or deafening, it’s neither inarticulate nor crass. It’s rather awakening and prorogating. It’s silly of me to ask you not to depart because our destinies have always unscripted our lives and life has been however, unanticipated. So, dear lover, I yearn for your presence in my life until I have wrinkles on my face and crooked feet, but I desire to be unallied and unfamiliar with the process of mending my torn heart again. 

Don't Commit Suicide. You're Worth Much More

New family formation? Heart break? Emotional Neglect by your peers? Parents disowned you in anger? Divorce? Depression? What is it? Is your reason of suicide, one of these silly reasons? These are some of the most famous and most frequent or common causes due to which adolescents, children or adults suicide. Several people would have probably told you about how immature this decision would be, but trust me, they’re right. Don’t commit suicide. Why would you want to end your life without knowing what awesome stuff God has in store for you, in the future? Don’t commit suicide, because every cloud has a silver lining and there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Not only because the fruit of being patient is always sweet, but also because you need both the sun rays and rain to make a rainbow. So, stop cribbing about your present, because you don’t have monsoon for the whole year, there’s always spring, summer and autumn right? You’re worth more than that douche who broke your little heart. You’re worth much more than situational depression.

Suicide is for cowards, it’s for people who are unable to face the future, but you are stronger than that. Every other family gets divorced and the parent gets re-married, but don’t let that get to you because you are an individual. Don’t run away from your future, just because your present is a bitch. Look in the eye of your troubled situation and smile. That’s it. That’s all you have to do. Smile. It will calm you down and help you think wisely, because suicide isn't cool or wise. Why do you obey something like ‘Need for Speed’, when your life is at risk? Just to impress some chick who probably loves her dog more than you? Trust me, racing till you die is more hypocritical than hanging yourself.

Don’t commit suicide; you’re worth much more because God didn't want to waste time on someone who’ll give up for some stupid reason. So what if your dad is getting re-married, you don’t necessarily have to end up like him. You can be whatever you like and be happy. ‘Ignorance is Bliss’, and that’s exactly what you should do when you’re in a situation that urges you to have suicidal thoughts. Don’t forget to think about people like Nelson Mandela, Helen Keller, Aun San Suu Kyi, Sudha Chandran, Nick Vujicic, and several others. They’re heroes and they never gave up. Or, if you don’t want to follow these guys, you can probably just think of the people who live in slums or the less privileged people near your house. If they’re not going to give up then why are you? So, Don’t Commit Suicide, You’re Worth Much More.

Let's Raise Our Kid to Make Earth a Better Place

Everyone talks about making Earth a better place for our kids. But why don’t you think otherwise? It’s more like fighting against Rape, but still allowing your boy to misbehave with other girls. Media is like our family member today. Television, Mobile Phones, Internet, Tablets, etc. There’s so much rubbish in the world and we are aware of it, just by a click of a button. But, it’s funny. Instead of putting ‘parental control’ for your child on the internet, why don’t you teach him some real manners? Changing everything else but you child is a way of giving up on him. So what if you’re working your butt off every day at work to earn money for your child? So what if you’re giving him whatever he asks for just because you love him? So what if you probably spy on wherever he goes? Does this really mean you know what’s in his little head?

Spend time with your kid. Talk to him. Get to know who he really is. I know a lot of people say the same, but you know what, if you’re not going to make an effort, you’re a big failure at being a parent, no matter how filthy rich you are. How do you know he’s not doing drugs with his peers after school? How do you know he’s not watching pornography when he’s home alone while you’re busy working in office with the misconception that you’re kid is studying? Did you know, the first time a kid has the urge to experience sex with the opposite gender is when he’s nine. So, go be nice to your kid. Don’t ask him ‘How was school?’, rather, ask him ‘What was fun about today?’ And you thought parenting gets easier as your child grows up.

How many times have you hugged your child? Have you dropped him to school? If you’re going to give too much space to your child, he’s going to be independent real soon with bad company. You know, it’s funny when a million parents in this country, have two year olds or even younger who know how to use a phone, or who can use other electronic gadgets. It’s PATHETIC. One reason why I hate kids though. They talk more than usual in front of adults, and all parents can do is just laugh at them? What, are you dumb too? Can you not see the line between telling your kid to shut up and disrespecting other people? If you’re praying for your kid, and telling a million other friends to pray for him too, do you think he knows what’s going on? Is he praying for himself too? Why does every child pretend like he’s his parents’ age, so he can talk whatever rubbish he wants to? And what’s even worse is that parents don’t even yell at their kids, they only tell them once. Are you serious? They’re your kids, not some stupid robots who will listen to you when been told once.

Anyway, since, you’re the parent and you know what’s right for your child, hopefully, then if you’re not going to treat him right and raise him right, unfortunately, you’ll just have to see the mean world crush him till his ego is out when he gets out of his cozy little house. So, it’s never too late. Raise your kids the way you want to see the world, not changing everything around your child and continuing to spoiling your brat. Teach him the difference between disrespecting and complimenting is. Let’s hope he isn't a rapist when he grows up.

Stop Complaining and Start Acting Elders

This year, the General Elections in India were the biggest they said. Is it just because every random organization was advertising on television or putting up billboards on the streets, urging, rather, forcing everyone to vote? Yet, there were several elders who didn't vote though. But why was it just this year suddenly? Why didn't everyone want to vote five years ago? Just as everything has its pros and cons, so does the Indian Election 2014. But that's not what I have a problem with. My problem is with the mentality of the people, not just our elders or the earlier generation but also the youth today. But, it doesn't just stop at the youth. The oldies are more responsible than us. They decide what we wear, where we go, how we act, who we meet, etc. etc. But, how does it really matter to us? Well, maybe it does somewhere.

Everywhere you go, there are people just barking into your face saying, 'The Youth are the future'. We definitely are the future, you know, being western, being creative, thinking out the the so-called stereo-typically creative box, then again, we're still blamed right? So, how does it really affect us, youth? On one hand, at home, today's youth are treated like powerless hangers between adulthood and childhood; and on the other they are expected to change the nation for the better. But don't you think it’s our elders who blame us for what happens today? The old people who sit at home due to their physical inabilities only tend to crib about the mentality of the youth, not realizing that they're still alive and are counted as the same citizens in the country that we are. This doesn't just stop at voting, but the youth are blamed for almost every wrong thing happening in the country, apart from the politicians of course. The movies today, where women are seen dancing in a bikini, is also today's youth's fault according to our elders. Well, if youngsters don't emerge into self-centered human beings, our elders will ruin our lives making us take care of them. I think, it’s high time that our elders understand their shared responsibility for the country's governance, be it worse or better. But if they can't respond to their responsibilities as a citizen of India, then they have no right to crib. So, if a 97 year old woman can get out of her death bed, lifted by people to VOTE, so can you guys who are still capable of doing so much more than her. The next time you hear someone older than you blame the youth about the reason for the country going to the dogs, stand up, stop them, and ask those idiots, what have they done?